According to popular disinformation, Autistics are not interested in, or capable of, establishing and maintaining relationships, especially romantic ones. This is NOT true. Autistics are often deeply sensitive, loyal, honest, and loving. I call us “Big Squishies.” Unfortunately, because we express affection and develop closeness differently from allistics, our attempts to build bonds with allistics are often dismissed or belittled.

However, when Autistics get together, we can form very close bonds—rather quickly—as friends or as partners. We aren’t incapable of forming bonds—we just do it differently. Here are a few of the common ways we show love and affection.

Pebbling:

Named after an adorable penguin behavior, pebbling refers to when an Autistic will share lots of small gifts (sometimes perceived as “odd” by allistics) with someone they are close to or want to become close to. Personally, I share lots of links and resources and pictures of my cats—they made my day and I want to share them with you in case they can bring you joy too.

Some common pebbles are:

• texts with funny memes or helpful links

• bits of nature (rocks, leaves, flowers, etc.)

• a homemade craft or food item

• items related to an interest that we share, such as a figurine of your favorite superhero.

Co-regulation:

Autistics enjoy co-regulating by being in the same space as someone they care about and feel comfortable with. The way best way that I can explain it is: my cells feel differently when my wife is around. We also like to do what we like and respect your desire to do what you like. So, we often enjoy doing two separate things in the same space while we co-regualte. This can look like being in the same room and:

• I read a book while you watch Youtube

• I do a craft while you play an instrument

• I cook while you do a puzzle

• I crochet while you info dump.

*If we use a sensory aid such as headphones while in parallel play, that doesn’t mean leave or stop what you’re doing, it just means that we know ourselves and are comfortable supporting our sensory needs. If we want you to leave, we’ll just tell you, or we’ll get up and relocate—there is very little passive aggression or “hinting” in Autistic culture. We say what we mean—don’t assign extra meaning to our actions. If you’re unsure, ask—then believe our answer.

Info Dumping:

Autistics LOVE our special interests! LOVE LOVE LOVE! We love collecting information about our SpIns and then sharing that information with the people we care about. To us, sharing about special interests can be very intimate communication and it should not be dismissed as “useless” or “weird.” When a fellow Auttie shares about a SpIn, I am engaged and interested because I understand that not only are they sharing delicious data-nuggets (yum yum!), but they are also sharing:

• what drives and motivates them

• what they think about when they are alone

• what their goals and aspirations are

• what makes them feel alive

• who their role models are

• information about what we might have in common or connect on

• what lens they use to interpret the world

• how to gauge or help regulate their emotions

• how to bridge communication divides (i.e. “Opening up the Silk Road was like developing warp-engines—suddenly whole societies who had never met before were making first-contact with each other…but they weren’t as evolved as Star Trek.”)

Unmasking:

When Autistics unmask and allow themselves to be authentically Autistic around you, they’re showing that they trust and respect you. This is HUGE for us. Many of us have levels of masking that we take on and off depending on where we are and who we are with. It is very rare that we feel safe enough to be fully ourselves while in the presence of an allistic. If you are someone that we trust enough to be vulnerable and unmask around, PLEASE, do not reject our Autistic traits and culture. Please, see it as an honor, akin to being invited to a Pride parade or asked to a Seder dinner.

An unmasked Autistic is extremely vulnerable and making passive aggressive remarks, or acting embarrassed to be with us in public, has a real chance of traumatizing us. If we go full-Autistic on you and you’ve never experienced that, think of it as a culture shock. No one has done anything wrong—it’s just not inline with your cultural expectations and that’s okay—you can be uncomfortable and still choose to stay kind and open-minded. Use it as an opportunity to have empathy for the fact that as a neuro-minority, we live most of our lives in a state of culture shock. Know and communicate your boundaries, but stay respectful. We are at our squishiest when we are unmasked—please don’t hurt us. Unmasking can look like:

• speaking in our Autistic accent—speaking at an atypical speed or volume or with an unusual cadence, lilt, or breath.

• openly stimming, especially a stim that is often judged (i.e. flapping or using chewelry)

• inviting you to share in our special interest with us (i.e. invite you to Comic Con or to the Renaissance Faire)

Stimming together:

Stimming is a strong sensory and emotional experience for us. Stimming with someone can feel very intimate and helps us to build bonds—not unlike when adorable river otters groom together. For me, when my wife joins in on my stim-singing I feel a gush or joy and connection—I know that I am safe and loved. Some examples of stimming together include:

• soft scratching or massage

• stim dancing (freely moving in atypical ways that just feel good and from the soul—”pretty” or “cool” is NOT on the agenda)

• stim singing (i.e. making up silly songs or manipulating an existing song to be a vocal stim by singing in “whale” or singing in operatic tones, etc.)

If we start stimming with you, we are being affectionate and vulnerable, please engage and reciprocate! It feels like love!

Reminders:

Due to high levels of trauma, Autistics tend to struggle with executive functioning and interoception, so to show that we care about someone, we will often “treat them as we would like to be treated.” We may offer helpful reminders to make an appointment, do a chore, or perform self-care. Keep in mind, that Autistic culture thrives on open communication and we have few taboo subjects, so if you’re allistic, our reminders might seem over-personal or blunt, but it’s just how we communicate. This means that you can be open and to-the-point with us too—who knows, you might find it’s a relief!

Early in our relationship, my wife interpreted my reminders to mean that I thought she was incompetent, or that there was an implied demand and I was passive aggressively nagging. I was stunned to learn this because I felt like I was offering a compassionate service. After all, I know that I am not incompetent, and I like loads of gentle reminders—I view this as part of a healthy supportive relationship. Now that she knows the cultural context of my reminders she is open to them and often thanks me becasue—when she doesn’t feel the need to be guarded—she finds that she forgets things too, and sometimes a snack really does help! In return, she offers me gentle reminders and I feel loved and supported.

Reminders can look like:

• “You seem irritable—do you feel that? You’re on your period—want me to bring you a hot pack or some chocolate to help?”

• A post-it to note reminding you to water the vegetable garden.

• “When’s the last time you stood up and walked around a bit? Maybe get a glass of water?”

• A text message reminding you to get that thing at the store.

• “You’ve been really busy and told me you’re tired. Maybe this will seem more manageable after a nap?”

Different, Not Less.

Autistics are diverse and we have loads of ways of expressing love. If you’re allistic, stay open and try to practice generous assumptions when interpreting our actions. Ask direct questions and believe our direct answers—don’t assign us an extra layer of communication that you made up based on allistic norms—those are your norms, not ours. Our culture does not like “reading between the lines,” so we don’t expect others to do it either—we say what we mean.

Above all, please recognize your allistic-privelege. Your way of building bonds is NOT superior to ours—it’s different. We should not be made to perpetually communicate with you in your “native language” while ours is suppressed. We work very hard to try to understand and communicate with allistics in ways that make sense to them. We deserve equal respect and effort.

Read about Awesome Autistic Traits