I have been meditating for more than five years.  I didn’t start because I thought it would give me an edge or help me to relax, I started because I was absolutely desperate to not ache in the way that I did, all of the time.

Like many Autistics, the mental-health system utterly failed me for decades.  I was misdiagnosed, heavily drugged, and told that the acute distress I felt was “all in my head,” and that I mostly just needed to “try harder”—even though I was already burned out from all the effort I was putting in.

So, I took to the research (as is our way).  One of the things that kept coming up in the science of wellbeing was meditation.

I had tried meditation once before years earlier in an IOP program and it was excruciating.  An instructor had me listening to a static-riddled audio track in a crowded room, on a cold plastic chair set right beneath the air conditioner.  It was so torturous that I ran, crying out of the room, had a meltdown, and refused to attempt it again.

But…the data kept pointing to meditation.  It was one of the few self-help ideas that seemed to make the most scientific sense with brain scans to back up the theories.  It was also something that I could do while alone and broke.  I didn’t need to “connect” with people or have money to spend.  And I was suffering.  A lot.  So, I tried it.

This time, however, I decided that my practice was mine and that I would decide what meditation looked like for me.  So, I listened to hundreds of hours of the best dharma teachers in America teach about meditation and the ancient philosophies behind it, as well as lectures from neuroscientists extrapolating on what is actually happening inside the brain during meditation.  I wanted to make sure that I understood the rules, so that I would know just how to correctly break them (if you’re Autistic, you probably know what I mean).

I have been meditating for more than five years and I can honestly say that it’s changed my life.  The abusive, ableist voice who used to have a running commentary inside my head, now only pops by for occasional, brief visits.  I still have meltdowns and experience burnout, but they’re much more rare and they no longer catch me by surprise—I know when they’re coming, and I can usually take steps to practice self-care and head them off.  My inner-child is still pretty banged up, but she’s on the mend, she’s shed a lot of shame, and she knows she’s not alone anymore.

Meditation can be incredibly healing, but it can also re-trigger trauma, so if you are not able to either coach yourself—or be coached by a skillful guide—through acute activation, then it may not be for you.  However, if you are desperate to sooth that ache inside, and you’re willing and able to brave the boredom and the ugly cries of meditation in order to reap the benefits, then give it a try.  But, before you do, please make sure to take the time to develop a practice that supports your brain and nervous system.

Here’s what I’ve learned about cultivating a healing and affirming meditation practice as an Autistic ADHDer.

#1: Self-Compassion

My favorite mediation teacher, Tara Brach, teaches that mindfulness has two “wings”: awareness and compassion.

Many meditation teachers do not realize that as autistic adults, we have more synapses in our brains than our allistic peers, and our brains don’t tune out the vast majority of sensory information like allistic brains do—so, we are already filled to the brim with awareness.  Encouraging Autistics to lean into awareness can cause sensory overwhelm and push us into distress or even a meltdown.

Instead, it’s important for us to center our practice around compassion, and in particular—as an oppressed minority who is regularly gaslit and abused—self-compassion.

#2 Find Your Pose

Many people mistakenly believe that meditation needs to be practiced while in a seated, up-right position. While this is common, the true instructions are to orient yourself in such a way that you are both alert and relaxed—and that may not be seated or up-right.

Before you start a meditation practice, create an environment that’s conducive to your sense of relaxation. Consider all eight senses:

• Touch

• Smell

• Hearing

• Taste

• Sight

• Vestibular (balance)

• Proprioceptive (movement)

• Interoceptive (internal)

Do you feel most alert yet relaxed when…

• Lying burritoed in blankets?

• Standing in your garden?

• In a sensory swing, playing with a fidget?

Then, that’s the meditation pose that's most appropriate for you.

Due to our measurably different sensitivities, Autistics very reasonably avoid things that are uncomfortable.  So, set yourself up for success by making your mediation practice the most comfortable part of your day.  When you do, you’ll find yourself naturally gravitating towards (and eventually craving) the soothing solace that your practice produces.

#3 Find Your Anchor

Another misconception about meditation is that you have to focus on your breath. Really, you need to choose something that anchors you to the present moment.  Breathing is common because it’s considered highly accessible (we all breathe) but it’s not superior.  Many Autistics have low interception, so focusing on our breath can be a confusing game of “Where’s Waldo” and not an anchor.  A few examples of Autistic-friendly anchors include:

• Proprioceptive: swinging, gliding, rocking

• Sounds: white noise, guided meditation, stim songs on repeat, SpIn-related sounds (bird calls, rhythmic train sounds, etc.)

• Taste: slowly and mindfully eat a same food or sip a same drink—yep, that counts!

• Sight: glitter lamps, star projectors, aquarium videos

• Touch: a stuffy, a pet, a soft blanket, a fidget

You may want to consider purchasing an indoor tent or building a blanket fort, filling it with your favorite soft things, a few SpIn items, and adding soft lighting.  The more it feels like a special moment and not a chore, the more likely you are to benefit from—and continue with—the practice.

#4 Choose a Timer

If you are not using a guided meditation, then you will need to set a timer.  Do not use an abrasive phone or kitchen timer, or you will spend a good amount of the mediation bracing for the awful sound. Plus, the jolt you feel down your spine when it inevitably goes off will be all that you remember about your meditation experience.  Instead, use one of the gentle bells on the free meditation app: Insight Timer.

#5 Cultivate a Healing Practice

Choose meditations that promote self-compassion, self-love, and increase emotional regulation.  My favorite are R.A.I.N. (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture) mediations from Tara Brach:

• Classic RAIN

• Light RAIN

• Self-Compassion RAIN

If you are a visual thinker, another great mediation is to spend time re-parenting your inner child.  Pick a distressing memory and visualize your younger self at the age of the experience.  See how vulnerable, fearful, and in pain they are.  Let your heart break for them.  Go to them, hold them, tell them what they need to hear: it’s not their fault and they are loved. Spend the rest of your meditation validating and comforting them.

Above all, treat yourself with compassion while meditating.  The analogy is: you are sitting under a tree with a new puppy. The tree is your anchor, and the puppy is your thoughts. When the puppy wanders off (like puppies do), you don’t scold it or tell it it’s a no-good, defective puppy who will never learn (again, that’s what puppies do!)—you simply pick it up and bring it back under the tree…and probably offer a few sweet pets and snuggles.  “Ah, off on a wander again, huh, Mind? Back to the anchor, Love.”

#6 Show Up for Yourself

The duration of your meditations isn’t nearly as important as being consistent, so choose a time-goal that you can easily achieve—you can always add more time later in your training.  Meditation is an appointment with yourself.  If you regularly blow yourself off, you’ll feel it.  Even on super busy days, it’s usually possible to meditate for 1-3 minutes.  That brief time of checking in with yourself and offering yourself your incredible compassion and love, will help you to manage the rest of your busy day with a little more ease.

When you consistently attend to yourself with acceptance and care, you’ll slowly start to realize that you are valuable and worthy of unconditional love and attention, not for capitalistic achieving, or allistic performing, but simply for being.  You are—and always have been—precious and perfect, just as you are.