My Autistic Girlfriend
Hi everyone, and thanks for clicking on our story. We are Keeley (the redhead) and Mandi (the brunette). We are a same-sex couple from the UK and we are both autistic/ADHD. Between us, we are also a neuro-spicy cocktail of dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia, OCD and PTSD. Sounds like a lot right? Well, it is! But we see it as a huge blessing.
We both struggled massively in previous relationships (not to mention other areas of life). We were always too much or not enough, too interested in something or not interested enough, asking too many questions or not listening at all...and most of all, we were always to blame for everything. No matter how hard we tried, everything was always our fault.
Luckily when we found each other, that all changed. Not instantly, of course, it took time, work and a lot of patience, but we got there and continue to learn and grow together daily. Though we are both autistic/ADHD, the way it presents in each of us is very different.
Keeley found out she was autistic and ADHD at seventeen when she wanted to go to college. Keeley has a fairly slow-paced brain. She struggles with academia, is classed as having 'special needs' and often takes a few days to process information and answer questions. Keeley cannot be rushed. It may sound strange to someone whose brain works differently, but despite knowing she was autistic/ADHD, it never actually dawned on Keeley to look into what those things were or try to understand them at all. Her entire school career she was made to feel incompetent. She felt she would always struggle no matter how hard she tried and so something as complicated and scary as doing her own research was totally off the table.
Mandi has a very fast-paced brain. She will answer a question before someone has finished asking it. She will come up with several ways to solve every puzzle and academically she is considered gifted, with an IQ that is over average. Mandi found out she was autistic at the age of 34 and dove into researching straight away. Within a week she had consumed seven different books, scoured multiple online sources and spoken to many people on forums. She wanted to know everything and understand it inside out. Later, she realised she was also ADHD (though she remains undiagnosed in this area currently).
When Mandi and Keeley got together, they quickly noticed the vast differences they were experiencing in life as a result of their brains working differently. There was a bit of push and pull at the start as we struggled to grasp each other's ways of thinking, but over time, with commitment and communication, everything became quite clear.
Then the most magical thing happened. Both Keeley and Mandi gained a lot of confidence in the early days of dating. Finally being understood and appreciated by someone who had no desire to change us meant we could start to accept ourselves. This was a one-way ticket to somewhere fabulous.
With Keeley's newfound confidence, she started doing her own research and found it was nowhere near as scary or complicated as she had assumed it would be. She also realised she didn't have an incompetent bone in her body. When Mandi would explain things to Keeley in the way SHE NEEDED, there wasn't a concept Keeley couldn't grasp.
Mandi had been seeing a therapist for nearly a year by the time we got together. Knowing how much this had helped in her own journey, Mandi suggested to Keeley that she might try therapy too. Keeley saw a different therapist and loved it. Together and separately we were unpacking the lifetimes worth of trauma that comes with being neurodivergent in a society that wasn't designed for you. It's not easy living in a world that wants you to fit neatly into a square box when you are a star shape.
Mandi had always struggled hugely with relaxation, or rather, she had no idea how you are meant to do it. Mandi's brain works in such a way that she can have several conversations in her head at any given time and hundreds of thoughts. Trying to 'chill' was impossible. Over time, Keeley helped Mandi learn how to slow her mind down a little, enough to actually enjoy things like lying still and cuddling, rather than scurrying around all the time.
So much has happened during our relationship, it's hard to pick out key things that were absolute game changers, but communication has always been number one, however, that doesn't always mean talking.
Keeley can have non-speaking days where she barely speaks at all. If she is overwhelmed, overstimulated, in shutdown or a burnout, silence is likely to ensue. This helps her to process her thought process. Mandi is hyper-verbal and very rarely stays silent for more than a few minutes. This is how she processes her thoughts. Mandi had to learn that Keeley could not give or receive spoken information at these times because it was too much for her to handle. During these times, communication is non-speaking and much more physical.
Mandi often struggles with contact and when she is feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated, in shutdown or a burnout, she doesn't like to have items or people near her. At first, this was a struggle for Keeley, who finds lots of reassurance in physical touch, but with communication, we learned to negotiate. On the day's Mandi feels she needs physical space, she will make more of an effort to reassure Keeley verbally.
Another wonderful example would be our sleeping arrangement. Mandi has struggled to fall asleep since she was a child. We are talking; goes to bed at 11pm and doesn't fall asleep until 4/5am. In previous relationships, Mandi always struggled to share a bed with her partners. She would toss and turn for hours which would keep them awake and then they would tell her off. If she got out of bed and tried to sleep on the couch instead, they would be offended and she got told off. No matter what she tried, she couldn't fall asleep faster and being scolded for it made her anxiety rise. Mandi struggles even more if the room is heavily cluttered and if there is anything else in the bed.
Keeley falls asleep fairly quickly each night and is a light sleeper. She loves to be surrounded by her comfort items which include multiple squishmallows, a five-foot caterpillar and her dog. There was no way Mandi was going to be able to sleep in a bed with Keeley. She had always struggled but the amount of stuff Keeley wanted in the bed to help herself sleep would make it impossible for Mandi to feel comfortable.
Right from the start we slept in separate rooms. We have shared a bed a handful of times in our entire relationship when circumstances make it necessary but we have never slept well that way.
There is so much stigma surrounding couples who don't share the same bed, but the truth is...it doesn't affect our sex life in the slightest. We don't have sex because we happen to be in bed together, we have sex because we want to.
We could go on forever about the benefits of having an understanding partner but the truth is, we feel we owe it all to being neurodivergent. Having gone through life, knowing the painful reality of not fitting in and being misunderstood, we naturally have more patience and desire to understand each other. We know what it feels like to be disrespected and so our motivation to always respect the other in a way that works for them is as high as a magic beanstalk.
Would our relationship work if we weren't neurodivergent? We honestly can't say, but we are very proud of our relationship. We thought we would share with you some of the key things we have achieved and truly believe we can credit to our neurodivergence.
The respect we give and receive
The patience we have for each other and ourselves
The desire to understand each other and ourselves
The effort we are willing to make Our ability to make adjustments
Our understanding of compromises
The way we set boundaries
The way we can make challenges into games
The way we adapt our communication skills to each other's needs
The way we boost each other's confidence
The trust we have in one another and in ourselves
The way we celebrate each other's accomplishments
At first, a diagnosis can be scary. If you don't know what autism really is, it is understandable that you might be worried about what this means for you, however, for us it meant true love. Finally coming to a place of being at peace with ourselves and finally being accepted and appreciated in the way we had always dreamed we would be.
Wishing you so much joy on your own journey,
Keeley and Mandi
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