Sincerely and In Perpetuity—A Promise To Myself

Lately I’ve felt detached
Or maybe I’ve felt that way forever
I’m scared of what’s uncertain
Maybe that will always be everything
Somehow pure fear is less terrifying than the moments I’ve felt nothing at all

I dreamt of being thrown through a sheet of ice into a frozen lake
I felt relief
Relief to see the world above me turn blue
How satisfying it would feel to hit the bottom
I had no air, and didn’t feel like I needed any
Or maybe I came to terms with the false belief of deserving deprivation
I’m not sure I’ll ever figure out how to stop haunting myself

A second before I hit the bottom
My lungs screamed
And I changed my mind

I fought the water and the weight and the desire for silence
As my fingers were inches away from breaking through
The dream ended

At first I was afraid—not knowing my fate
Or what the end of that dream might have told me about myself

But now that I’m awake I know I don’t need to see the final moments of that dream
For I already know how it ends
Because even if everything else is uncertain
I know one thing for sure
Sincerely and in perpetuity

I would never let you drown

—Ashra
Instagram: @autisticthrifter