Autistic small talk
What is small talk? Most dictionaries define (allistic) small talk as light or unimportant conversation that relies heavily on non-verbal communication.
In allistic small talk, the unconscious goal seems to be discovering where each other are on various hierarchies (the first question is usually, “What do you do for a living?” the second, “Are you married?”) and then modifying behavior and topics based on an awareness of those hierarchical positions.
Autistics are highly egalitarian, so to us, hierarchies are fabricated tools of oppression that lack true understanding or nuance. We have zero interest in where you lie on the social hierarchy and we often think it’s superficial and rude for you to want to know where we land. (That’s right, from our cultural perspective, it’s allistics who are often confusing and unintentionally rude, and not Autistics, which is exactly what the Double Empathy Problem suggests).
Allistic small talk relies on non-verbal cues, which is a real problem for Autistics because, as a neuro-minority that has entirely different non-verbal cues from the neuro-majority, we don’t understand allistic non-verbal cues and they don’t understand ours. Our non-verbal communication (such as co-regulation and hyper empathy) is different from allistics’, but because neurodominant privilege is so powerful, allistics do not realize that we are communicating differently and assume that we are communicating incorrectly, or even offensively. All too often, allistics read into our Autistic accents, atypical eye-contact, and need to stim, and decide that we are lying, being manipulative, or are unstable when we’re really just being Autistic.
So, Autistics enter into allistic small talk with the knowledge that it will be boring, it will be uncomfortable, we will be misunderstood, no one will even attempt to communicate with us in a culturally appropriate way, and we may face severe consequences for letting our masks slip and communicating in Autistic ways. That’s not fun for us, and it definitely does not feel like bonding.
Autistics are generally uninterested in uninteresting things—we’re really weird like that. Our brains do not settle well when talking about the daily weather (“Have you observed the sky today?” “Yes, I have. Good sky.” “I too have observed the sky today.”) or some other mundane topic. It feels like a waste of everyone’s time.
But, for Allistics, they report that their small talk is an opportunity to:
get to know the other person.
establish a level of trust.
determine if a potential relationship might form—and if so, what kind.
validate them, their experiences, and their world-views.
From this perspective, Autistics do have our own small talk which meets these goals, but instead of talking about our marital status or the weather, we talk about our special interests. When someone shares about their special interests we:
learn about that person’s motivations, world view, and priorities.
recognize a shared communication style and develop a level of trust.
look for common ground and overlapping interests to determine if there is a potential foundation for a relationship.
are authentically engaged and thereby validate the other person’s experiences and culture.
And, BONUS! We get to learn new, interesting facts—yay data!
An example of successful Autistic small talk might look like:
A: (A quick three minute info dump about physics—their special interest)
B: Cool info. I don’t really understand the intricacies of physics but I do like science documentaries—especially about space.
A: Have you seen the Voyager documentary?
B: Have I?! I LOVE that one! I have a tattoo of the star map from the Golden Record!
Then, the two merrily skip off down a rabbit hole together, feeling seen and engaged. Autistic small talk feels so good that our Autistic accents become more pronounced and we start talking really quickly, really loudly, and/or we might jump between tangents such that we maintain multiple conversations at once (for instance, in the above example they might jump around between three conversations: one about space documentaries, one about tattoos, and a third about Star Trek).
When talking about a shared interest we will pay very little attention to anyone or anything else—we give each other our undivided attention. Finding a person who shares multiple SpIns can be exhilarating, and feel almost euphoric, as we rush off into fact sharing and comparing together. Now that IS fun and it DOES feel like bonding.
Sometimes in Autistic small talk, we will take turns info dumping about special interests and only find vague connections between our SpIns. When that happens, we generally part ways with respect and don’t take up anymore of each other’s valuable time (or possibly stand quietly next to each other, as mutual social shields). Not all Autistics hit it off, but we’re much more likely to do so when we are allowed to communicate in a way that is natural and comfortable for us.