How to Unmask

Written By River Robbins

When you’re newly identified as Autistic it can be disorienting. You need time and self-compassion while you re-examine your life with the new awareness that you have been Autistic all along. As you do, you might start to realize that you’ve been masking so hard and for so long that you don’t know who you are anymore. You have no idea what you want or what you like. You don’t know your boundaries, your goals...nothing.

If this is you right now, please know that you are not alone and this will pass. You will be able to integrate your Autistic identity and your life will feel freer and more whole than you thought possible. Maybe you’re thinking, “Sound nice, but I don’t know where the mask ends and I begin.” Again, this is super common and if you’re in this boat, then you are in good company. It will take trial and error and time. Having been through this process myself, I put together a list of things that helped me unmask and maybe could help you too.

Radically accept yourself and treat yourself with compassion.

Easy, right? Ha!

If you are a late-identified Autistic you have spent your life being taught to ignore your boundaries (because they’re wrong), to never do what you want (because it’s wrong), to not trust yourself (because you’re wrong), and to never let yourself off the hook for anything (because you are a fundamentally wrong human and if you want any chance of ever being loved you better “fix” yourself). You have been gaslit and emotionally abused for decades and it takes a lot of healing to recover. Unfortunately there’s no front-of-the-line pass for this one (it’s a lifelong journey) however, here are a few of the supports that helped me get started:

Find your personal style.

Many Autistics gravitate to the very comfortable and practical and may develop a personal uniform, others SpIn on fashion, and of course there is everyone in between. Prior to identification, I had spent many years studying fashion, so much so that I thought I really liked it. As it turns out, I didn’t like fashion, so much as I liked how fashion helped me to mask in an allistic-dominated world that loves hierarchies and places great value on personal appearances—especially for those socialized female (like me).

How to figure out what your personal style is? For me, the fastest and clearest way was to do the 333 Challenge created by Courtney Carver. The 333 Challenge asks you to pick 33 items to wear for the next 3 months. Your 33 items include: clothing, outerwear, shoes, accessories, and jewelry. Items you get to keep but don’t have to count as part of your 33 includes: under layers, pajamas, and athletic wear (but only athletic wear that you actually exercise in—if you run errands in athleisure wear, then that’s part of your 33). Everything that’s not your 33 gets boxed up or otherwise stored out of sight.

I found this challenge super useful because it forced me to figure out which pieces are my actual favorites, but without the high pressure of creating a year-round capsule wardrobe and immediately donating my other items. After doing three rounds of this challenge, I have discovered my personal uniform and I now own a total of 26 items that I wear year-round—and I’ve never felt so free, so comfortable, so put-together, or so myself.

After a few rounds of the challenge, you may decide that you LOVE fashion and want a maximalist closet—that’s cool too! The point is to find what your personal style is and what your personal style “rules” are. Then, embrace that style—no matter what other people think of it.

Just keep stimming.

Stimming is an important part of Autistic self-care. Autistics process information in a highly embodied way and stimming helps us to express and regulate.

Not sure which stims are your stims? What did you get in trouble for doing as a kid? What did people give you side-eye about until you stopped? Those might be your stims. One way to explore stimming is to make a list of different stims that you want to experiment with, then try them out when you’re joyful, stressed, and trying to focus. See what feels good and what helps you. Be sure to try stims that allistics tend to judge the most such as chewing on chewelry, hand-flapping, vocal stimming, stim dancing, and using fidgets (although those have become more “acceptable” in recent years).

Because this is new and there are social consequences to stimming in public (much like there are social consequences for being openly queer), it's helpful to start privately. Not out of shame, but so that you can fully explore the sensations and experiences, free from the distraction of other people’s judgement. Then, stim in front of people you are close with, and continue to grow your circle until you are comfortable tending to your stimming needs wherever you go. There may always be some spaces where it is not safe for you to stim and where you are forced to mask (like when a cop pulls you over), but try to push the limits of what is “acceptable,” so that you can be your authentic self as much as possible.

Use sensory supports.

Use different sensory aids to validate and support yourself as you move through a world that wasn’t designed with your sensory needs in mind. Try using ear plugs, earbuds, sunglasses, hats, and sensory-friendly clothing and undergarments.

Schedule daily time with your special interests.

Engaging with special interests is essential for Autistics to thrive. Special interests help us to understand the world, to emotionally regulate, to refresh and rejuvenate, to find like-minded community, and (for many of us) to find sustainable careers. For us, being with our special interests is akin to a flow-state and it is what our brains crave. Allistics can judge our intensity and focus, but that’s their problem, and the more you think about it in that way, the healthier you become.

Time to root out that internalized ableism and let yourself go deep into whatever calls to you. Don’t let allistic social ideas about age or gender expectations put you off from what you're really want to do—if Legos and My Little Pony calls to you, then go for it! Set aside time to be immersed in your special interest ever single day—it will change (and maybe save) your life.

Create and Enforce Boundaries.

This one is particularly difficult for people socialized female, since part of our socialization is to never have boundaries or enforce anything (except our bodies which are somehow supposed to be under our constant scrutiny and control). It’s important to understand that boundaries are simply what is okay with you and what is not okay with you. They’re how you feel safe and comfortable, and they’re not about controlling another person. They’re not “mean” or “selfish” and they’re definitely not group projects.

The best source I’ve found for learning about boundaries in a way that makes sense to my brain is the work of social worker and researcher, Dr. Brene Brown. She writes phenomenal, well researched books (including my favorite, Braving the Wilderness), has a podcast, a website, and even a Netflix special. She uses grounded theory to develop theories about shame and belonging, and then takes the audience along with her as she discusses her own struggles to submit to the research and do the hard things—like setting boundaries. Her focus is on whole-hearted living and what she found in her expansive research is that the most compassionate people she studied, were also the people who had the strongest boundaries.

Have the Hard Conversations.

As you start to register how prevalent ableism has been in your life, you may start to realize that some of the relationships you have are not what you thought they were. There may be a lot of disrespect, an expectation to mask, or a long history of using shame to try to get you to “act normal.” This is one of the hardest parts about incorporating our Autistic identities. And it totally sucks. I’m not going to sugar coat it, because—Autistic! You will likely lose people during this phase, but just remember that the only people who don’t want you to have boundaries, are the ones who benefit from you having none. Anyone who does not want you to be your whole, authentic self, does not respect you.

This may be a season of life when you are having to have a lot of difficult conversations. Coming out as Autistic, and asking the people in your life to change boundaries and expectations to respect your Autistic culture and needs, will not go over well with everyone. Some people may have an initial poor reaction and it’s completely up to you if that means “ditch them now,” or, “give them educational resources and time and see if they come around.” Both choices are valid. You do not have to react well to someone reacting poorly to who you are, and you don’t have to give up on relationships that you find meaningful. The path forward is nuanced and complex, and entirely your own. Trust your heart, trust your instincts, and pursue your future your way.

That being said, some people will accept and embrace you as you are, and they are your people. It will feel amazing to have their validation and support and to feel truly seen, heard, and appreciated. Others…won’t. Let them go, and sashay away, my dear, dear Auttie—truer, kinder, more nourishing relationships await you.

Unmasking takes courage, strength, and dogged persistence, but the alternative is burnout, frequent meltdowns, and early death. Still…it’s hard to take the first step…then the second, and so on. I get it. Maybe you need to start slow, maybe you need to go all-in, but either way, I hope that you will make the journey and uncover the deep well of self-love that I promise IS inside you. Keep going, keep growing—I can’t wait to see your true, beautiful Autistic self bring your unique light to this world.

River Robbins
Previous

Meditation Tips for Autistics