When Routine is Out of Reach
In the first edition of “River Replies”:
Dear River,
your website is wonderful! Thank you so much for making something that doesn't tell me that i'm made all wrong! I'm an auttie (love that word!) and my splns are wolves and Artham Wingfeather!
I wanted to ask you about what to do if your life is chaos. I can't make a routine. I have to take care of sick family members, my situation is rather unusual in some ways and I can't do anything to make my life more predictable. I'm gonna snap without a routine! I hoped you might write an article with advice.
Sincerely,
KA
Dear KA,
First of all, I love that you told me your SpIns! What a delightful way to say hello and quickly tell me so much about yourself. And thank you for letting me know that the site has helped you feel affirmed—that is literally the whole reason why I do it, so it feels good to know that it’s working!
The chaos is real! I so relate to distress and feelings of hopelessness in the face of unpredictability.
You wrote that you can’t do anything to create routine in your life, and I’m interpreting that to mean that for your over-all day, you cannot create routine, meaning everyday has new challenges at timetables you can’t control. That is such a difficult place to be, and I feel for the challenges you are facing. While I believe you cannot make an over-arching daily routine, I wonder if you can find a way to create “routine pockets.”
Routine pocket is my term for a small, quick, nourishing routine you can add to your day. Ideally, you would create several pockets spaced throughout the day, but if that’s not doable, aim to commit to at least a morning and an evening routine pocket so you can start and end your day with some reliable comfort. Having a self-designed home base can help restore a sense of agency and self-compassion, and as you probably know, when you nourish yourself, you are in a better position to continue to assist your sick family members.
A routine pocket doesn’t take a lot of time (can you take twenty minutes for yourself? Or maybe just five?). Fill it up with what you need as best you can. Would your time best be used preparing and eating a same food in peace and quiet? Would you get the most nourishment from engaging with a SpIn or writing in a journal? Can you spend time in nature or with an animal to help your nervous system regulate? Would it feel good to dance-it-out or do some slow stretches? Or maybe it would feel best to lie under a weighted blanket and quietly gaze at a lava lamp?
Once you decide on a routine pocket, share it with your household members. You don’t have to tell them the details, but simply inform them that you are taking fifteen minutes first thing in the morning and ten minutes at night to practice self-care. If they’re a particularly anxious group, set a kitchen timer for them, and say you’ll be back and available to assist them when the timer ends. Then, protect your routine pocket as sacred time—because it is! Don’t use that time to get a head start on your to-do list or do anything else. You are stardust breathing, you are the culmination of all your ancestors’ sacrifices and joys, you are connected to every living being on this planet—you are sacred. You deserve time to tap into your inner divinity and draw nourishment from your source. Not just for you, but for everyone around you too.
If chaos reigns down one morning and you truly cannot tend to your routine pocket (perhaps there’s a medical emergency) take time to send yourself care and love with a simple 30-second self-compassion practice: put a hand over your heart and whisper, “Dear One, I love you. I see how hard you are trying and how difficult things are right now. I’m so proud of your resilience and compassion. I love you, I love you, I love you.” It’s a small, quick practice that really can make a big impact. In all of your caregiving, don’t lose track of the fact that you need and deserve care too—even if it’s only in quiet moments with yourself.
Finally, while routine is important, sometimes the magic of our SpIns can help us push through times of utter chaos. Can you incorporate your SpIns into your daily tasks and caregiving duties? For instance, can you listen to the Wingfeather Saga audiobooks in one earbud as you clean or prepare meals? Where I live, there is a free library app called Libby and all the books in the saga are available to listen to for free. Perhaps you have something similar where you live? Can you find a podcast about wolves or a fan podcast about Wingfeather and listen to that? Can you put a documentary about wolves on in the background with the sound off so you can glimpse it as you go about your duties? Can you read the Wingfeather books aloud to those you care for? Get creative and see how much you can weave your SpIns into your daily activities—it can make a huge difference!
I admire the sacrifices you are making to care for those that you love, and I know that they will benefit from your unique abilities and gifts. Autties are truly wonderful carers. I hope these few tips can help you to navigate this season of difficulty with a bit more ease. As an auttie living in a neurotypical world, you are already so strong and resilient--you’ve got this!
Stay golden,
River